Have you ever wanted to “rescue” someone financially?
They get themselves into a pickle.
They ask for help.
You help.
Then they turn right around and make the same choices that got them stuck in the first place.
This is one of the hardest lessons to learn when you love people. Especially if you’re naturally nurturing, generous, or compassionate. Sometimes helping feels like the right thing to do in the moment, but over time, it can actually keep someone from growing.
I learned this years ago when my daughter first got her driver’s license.
She was living her best life, driving alllll over town with her new freedom. At the end of the week, she would come to me asking for gas money.
At first, I didn’t think much of it. But after a while, I noticed she was burning through gas faster and faster. That’s when I realized I had a choice to make.
Enable her or let her learn.
As hard as it was, I stopped automatically rescuing her from the consequences of her choices.
And something interesting happened.
She became more careful about how she drove around town. Instead of making multiple unnecessary trips across town, she started planning her stops more efficiently. If she gave friends rides, she asked them to contribute to gas money.
She became resourceful because she had to.
A little while later, she came to me wanting to sign up for Powder Puff Football. The registration fee was around $40, and at the time, as a single mom, I truly did not have extra money to spare.
I had already been encouraging her to get a job, and she had zero interest in doing that.
Telling her no was hard.
I wanted to fix it for her.
I wanted to make it happen for her.
I wanted to spare her disappointment.
But instead, I told her that if she wanted to play, she would need to come up with the money herself.
So she got a job.
And conveniently, once she had to earn the money herself, Powder Puff Football suddenly didn’t seem nearly as important.
That moment taught me something powerful.
When we constantly rescue people from the consequences of their choices, we may unintentionally rob them of growth, responsibility, creativity, and ownership.
Sometimes struggle is what produces maturity.
Now, every situation is different. There are absolutely moments when helping is necessary. Emergencies happen. Life can be cruel and unfair. This is not about withholding compassion.
But many of us know the difference between helping someone through a hard season and repeatedly protecting someone from patterns they refuse to change.
Your situation may not involve a teenager and gas money.
Maybe it’s:
- A friend who constantly overspends
- An adult child who refuses to take responsibility
- A sibling who keeps making reckless decisions
- A parent stuck in unhealthy financial habits
- Someone you love who always expects you to clean up the mess
At some point, we all have to ask ourselves:
Am I helping them grow, or am I helping them stay stuck?
Sometimes love looks like support.
Sometimes love looks like boundaries.
And sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let someone learn.